Precautionary Promises
by Indelible Evidence
Summary: The only way Jane can think of to protect Kurt from Remi is to leave him. Kurt strongly disagrees with that assessment. Post-season 4 fic, written before any of season 4 has aired, so there may be canon divergence in retrospect. Trigger warning for suicidal ideations, but the ending is optimistic.


**Author's Note** : Well, the season four promo is out, and Remi looks like she means serious business (and seriously, how much awful stuff are they going to put Patterson through THIS season?! Give the poor woman a break!). So I had to write a hopeful drabble set at the end of the season, with Jane and Kurt starting to make their way back to each other.

 **Trigger Warning** : This may not be for you if suicidal ideations upset you to read about, specifically suicide by firearm.

* * *

"Jane, please." Kurt's voice broke, but he didn't seem to care. He'd always let himself be so vulnerable with her, and that was part of the problem. "I can't lose you again. Not after everything that's just happened. I just got you back."

"If I was in control of myself, I wouldn't leave. I told you that first night we were together, and I promise it's still true—this is where I want to be." Jane took a pile of neatly folded shirts from the drawer and transferred them to a large sports bag with shaking hands.

"Then stay." Kurt stepped into her path as she turned back to the drawer. "I love you no matter what. I swore that in our marriage vows, and I can _not_ watch you put that ring down a third time. I'd rather you held a gun to my head."

"I love you too," she whispered, her own tears almost breaking through. "If I didn't love you so much, maybe I could stay. But I won't put your safety at risk. Or Bethany's safety. Or the team's."

Fighting a wave of nausea at the thought of what she'd almost accomplished when she'd forgotten the past five years, she tried to move past Kurt to continue packing.

He caught her by the shoulders, his expression fierce despite the tears in his eyes. "So what happens if you forget being Jane again, huh? How will not being here stop you from travelling back from wherever you've hidden yourself, to take a shot at my head from a rooftop down the street? Or from getting leverage on some FBI rookie to plant evidence that makes me look dirty? How will it stop you from breaking into Allie's place at night and snatching Bethany from her bed?"

Jane wrenched back from him, his words like barbed arrows to the heart. They weren't just insults pulled from nowhere; they both knew she might be capable of doing those things, and that made it a thousand times worse.

"I don't know, okay?" Her vision blurred, she turned to rearrange the clothes she'd already packed, just for something to do. "I don't know how to deal with this, but I have to protect you somehow. Either I leave, or I… I…"

The thought of putting a gun in her mouth and pulling the trigger had occurred to her more than once. Oh, god, the things she might do to the people she loved if the ZIP wiped out everything she'd become…

"I wish you'd killed me," she whispered, fighting the urge to sink to the floor. Her body felt too heavy to support her all of a sudden, but if she let herself fall, she didn't know how she'd get back up, and she needed to leave.

"No." Kurt wrapped his arms around her from behind, pinning her arms to her sides. His embrace was so tight that she couldn't move, the usually intimate gesture more like he was imprisoning her, now. "No, Jane. How would you feel if I implied _I_ was gonna kill myself and then walked out that door, huh? Put yourself in my shoes for a moment, and then tell yourself again this is for the best."

For a terrible instant, in her mind's eye, Jane saw Kurt letting a suspect gun him down. Saw the defeat in his shoulders as he lowered his weapon and walked forward. Saw the jerk of his body as bullets ripped through his flesh, the blank stare of his eyes as he let go of his last breath.

He still wouldn't tell her half of what had happened while she'd been fleeing the bounty hunters out for her head. How close had he come to giving up? How close would he come again?

She sagged in his arms, her resolve weakening. "Kurt… I don't know how to keep you safe from me. How are we supposed to get through this? How can you ever trust me again?"

His voice was thick with anguish. "Slowly. With time. We've overcome so much, and it might be over now. Even if it's not, I would rather face down who you used to be—again and again—than live the rest of my life not knowing if you're alive or dead. Or knowing that I couldn't stop you from ending it."

Jane couldn't hold back the sob that escaped. The love this man had for her defied all logical explanation. He should hate her. He should eject her from his life as forcefully as possible.

He should have done those things years ago, when what she'd done with Oscar had come out, and yet… For a few months after they'd taken down Sandstorm, they'd been so blissfully happy—before she'd had to run. When she'd returned, just before she'd learned Avery existed, they'd been finding their way back to the way things had been. Then they'd fought their way back from the mistrust that their secrets—Berlin, and Clem—had left them with, despite Roman's scheming, and they'd been planning to start a family when the ZIP poisoning screwed everything up.

Each time, something had gotten in the way of their happiness—but each time, they'd battled through it to find each other again. Could she dare to hope that this time could be the same? Could she really be that lucky?

She turned in her husband's arms, wiped a tear from his cheek. "Kurt…"

"Don't leave me, Jane."

"I'll stay," she promised, feeling as though her heart was breaking and healing at the same time.

She caught a glimpse of the absolute relief on his face before he crushed her against him, his face pressed against her hair. "Thank you."

"I'm so sorry I keep putting you through this," she whispered.

To her surprise, he gave a strangled laugh, not pulling back from their desperate embrace. "You've been through so much. I'd say you're allowed to be a little conflicted."

When he finally loosened his grip enough, Jane pulled back to look into his face. "There are two things I need you to promise."

He waited, brushing her hair away from her face.

"One: never give me the benefit of the doubt if it seems like I'm acting weird or hiding something. I need you to assume the worst. Even if it turns out you're just being paranoid and I'm trying to arrange a surprise birthday party or something. I'd rather have a surprise ruined than…something else."

Kurt nodded. "I promise. What's the other thing?"

Jane closed her eyes. "Never leave me with Bethany, Sarah or Sawyer unattended. Ever. No matter how much you trust me."

Kurt sighed. "Jane—"

"This is a dealbreaker, Kurt. You want me to stay, these are my terms." She stared at his Adam's apple, not wanting to meet his eyes. Family was important to Kurt, and she would _not_ put them at risk. Not least because she loved them, too.

He kissed her forehead tenderly. "Okay. I promise. But we reassess the situation every now and then, to make sure it's still necessary."

"It always will be," she insisted.

"We can argue about it in a year or two," he told her, tilting up her chin so she'd actually look him in the eyes. The love and concern she saw there stole her breath. "I need two things from you, as well."

A quiver of nervousness went through her. "Anything."

"One: never leave because you're trying to protect me from what you might do. If I've done something to hurt you and you need some space, that's fine, as long as you tell me you're going and when you'll come back to talk it out. But don't decide you know what's best for me without my input."

Knowing that had been a theme throughout their entire relationship, Jane winced. "Deal. But that last part goes for you, too."

He nodded, his expression rueful. "If you don't, I won't. We both need to work on that."

"What else did you need?" Jane asked.

He pulled her down to sit with him on the edge of the bed. "I want you to keep talking to me. About suicidal thoughts. And what else goes through your head."

Jane squirmed a little, avoiding his eyes again. "I'm seeing the new therapist. I'll be fine."

"I don't want to leave that to chance." Kurt took her hand and laced his fingers through hers. "I know you're not in a good place right now. Nothing you could say to me about the way you're feeling can be worse than what I'm imagining you're going through. And if I'm wrong about that, and it's worse than I'm afraid it is? If part of you still hates me even though most of you doesn't? I need to know that, too."

Stricken, Jane stared at him. "No part of me hates you, Kurt. Not now. Not since I got the memories of our life together back."

"Maybe not." He gave a small, sad smile. "But that was just an example. You know what I mean, and for us more than any other couple, we can't do this without being completely honest with each other."

The truth of his words was impossible to deny, no matter how uncomfortable it made her. "I know. I…promise you can be my second therapist."

His smile was warmer now, more open. "If it makes you feel less self-conscious, we can both lie on the couch together."

"And afterwards, we can eat chocolate ice cream?" Jane asked, indulging his attempt to lighten the mood a little.

"What, I need a reason for that?" Kurt teased.

For a moment, things were almost normal again, though their residual fear and sorrow lingered in the atmosphere.

Jane instinctively leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. "I love you. More than anything."

Kurt cupped her face in both hands and initiated a second kiss, fiercer and more possessive. "I love you. And we will get through this, together."

"Together," she murmured, nodding. Together, they could face down anything. How could she have forgotten that?

"Come on. Let's get these clothes put away. I just want to lie in bed, and hold you, and listen to you breathe."

Jane stood up and took the shirts she'd only just packed back out of the bag. "Just that?"

Kurt took the empty bag and stashed it at the bottom of the closet, where it belonged. "Well, just that at _first._ "

Jane couldn't help but smile as he pulled her down to the bed. Things weren't completely right between them, but they would be. Slowly. With time.


End file.
